hope is a four letter word

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All I can say is that I keep coming back. I don’t give up easily. Not sure why. I do believe there is a solution to every problem, you just have to keep trying. The constant struggle is tiring but I don’t know how to give it up. I wouldn’t make a good Taoist. I can’t even envision what the opposite of struggle would be.

It might involve staying in bed all day. I do like sleeping because my dreams are so vivid and entertaining. I learned how to direct my dreams many moons ago so I can often go on scripted adventures to places I’m interested in with people who enjoy the same things I do.

I once went to an alpine cave, high above the tree line. There was a roaring fire, overstuffed armchairs and spiked hot chocolate. I was joined by quiet companions. We sat around reading together. At night, we went out on the mountain and touched the stars.

Loneliness and being alone are rarely problems for me. I have no problems entertaining myself. And I do need lots of alone time to recharge. There’s too much noise everywhere. I took at test once on reading facial microexpressions and scored quite high. You’d think that would be a good thing but I think what happens is I can’t reconcile what I see in people’s faces and the words the speak. The dissonance is too disconcerting. It takes way too much energy to negotiate the social arena. And god forbid I try to do it when I’m tired. That’s a major disaster.

I can go great periods of time alone and happily so. There’s always something to do, something to think about. It’s usually curiosity that gets me up and moving. I’m very nosy. I need to see what other people are doing. People watching is fun. I like sitting in a back corner and checking out interactions, listening to conversations. Just call me Peeping Tom.

Today’s topic was hope. I don’t think I have come anywhere near helping someone have hope. I’m pretty sure this whole post is very depressing. I do keep hoping that by some action of mine I’ll create some beautiful fantasy land where everything is perfect. Of course, that would require that I had any idea what a perfect world would look like. And I don’t.

There wouldn’t be any bugs. Just thinking about bugs make my skin itchy. I like Winter and most people like Summer. I like the changing seasons. I wouldn’t have to do dishes, or laundry or cook dinner. I wouldn’t get bored.  People would tell me interesting and fascinating stories to keep me entertained with lots of jokes. I like jokes. I could drink citrusy frozen margaritas all day from morning to night and take naps in between. There’d be no time or schedules or To Do lists although I really like lists. Practical things would magically get done. I couldn’t have people waiting on me or working for me because I’d feel bad that they weren’t having any fun. See how hard this perfection thing is?