Public Service Announcement

I placed an ad for a Customer Service Representative position I need filled here at work. Reviewing resumes gives me chest pains because people are idiots. Here are some pointers for anyone who may be looking for a job and submitting resumes:

Use spell and grammar check. There is no excuse for any spelling mistakes or using two when you meant too or to. i is always capitalized, as in, I can’t believe the mistakes on some resumes.

When I ask for your salary requirement, please give me a dollar figure. Don’t say it’s negotiable or ignore the request all together. I have a budget. There is no point in our talking if my budget is $12.00 - $14.00 per hour and you want $19.00 per hour. You can’t negotiate that big of a difference.

If you are going to use an email address, please get a business-like one. If I see your email address on a resume is hot mama, satan’s dog, tiny tina or big bad bill, I’m going to assume you are looking for a different type of job. Email addresses are free. Do yourself a favor and get one that just has your initials and use that for job hunting.

Please stop telling me you are a team-player, a self-starter, a go-getter, a people-person, a multi-tasker. You have “strong customer service relations?” Do you sleep with your customers? I want to know specific job skills.

If you are computer proficient why can’t you format your resume properly when sending it via e-mail?

Strange background pictures, broken sentences, odd characters, all capital letters, weird bolding and italizing in sentences: these things are like pink paper and perfume. They are no-no’s.

If you are looking for a job as an insurance underwriter, legal office assistant, computer programmer, medical receptionist, graphics designer, bookkeeper, sales manager, or anything other than a customer service representative in my business, don’t send me your resume. I am looking for a customer service representative in my business, just like I said in my ad. Read the friggin’ ad.

I put my name in the ad. It is clearly a female name. Do not address your cover letter to me as, Dear Sir.

A resume objective is a place for you to tell me how you can help me. I don’t care if you want to grow. I don’t care if you want advancement. You want to secure a rewarding position? Well, duh, who would want a position that is not rewarding? But, what has any of this to do with what you can do for me?

Don’t make handwritten changes to your resume. Take the time to make the changes on a computer. Computer use is free at most libraries. Don’t tell me you wanted to get me your resume, as soon as possible, so you don’t miss out on an opportunity or because you are perfect for the job.

Don’t be cute. Don’t call yourself a “Domestic Goddess.” Don’t say you were “out finding yourself” when you were on unemployment. As a matter of fact, if you feel compelled to use quotation marks on your resume, leave the item off.

Keep your resume to one page. Make your name smaller or your margins smaller or your sentences shorter, but somehow stick to one page.

I don’t care about your hobbies, unless they directly reflect on job skills. As a matter of fact, some peoples’ hobbies scare the living shit out of me.