The Perfect Me

I have discovered the key to perfection. Pay attention, I know you’ve been searching for this information, too. I missed it before because it takes me a while to wake up; I am not much of a morning person. That’s no real excuse, I know, because it’s all there, everyday, plain as can be.

I wake up at 4:30 am. I need a good half-hour of caffeine before lucidity begins to set in. During that time, I flip through the channels on TV and mindlessly encourage my body into action. This morning, it hit me: everything I need to be the perfect person can be purchased for three easy payments of $29.95 each and shipping is included.

The first offers I came across were for moneymaking schemes. Since this, and all of the rest of the things I need, cost, this is a good place to start. Thank goodness there are three or four options going on at once and by getting them all, I can cover all bases and be profitable in no time flat.

I will begin with learning about stocks and bonds and financial planning, a good solid base for my future riches. Once I have my foundation, I will follow with rapid real estate turnover purchasing with little or no money down and flesh out my capitalism with coin and diamond investing. Three hours a week is all I need to accomplish my financial freedom.

Now that I no longer have money worries, I can work on my physical being. I am sure you will be shocked to learn that there are creams and pills that can knock twenty years off of your life. I know I was, but it’s true. It’s so easy; take a pill and rub on some white creamy stuff and you are sixteen again. You’ll need the extra 20 years for the diet and exercise plans that will keep you trim and slim, with 8-pack abs. All of this is worth the fifteen minutes a day the programs require.

The next part of perfection and fulfillment is attraction by the opposite sex (or the same sex, as the case may be.)

Girls Gone Insane is a lesson to us all that getting wasted, frenching your girlfriends while smacking them on the ass and then removing your top in front of hundreds of drunken men, is the ultimate in personal relationships. Women have struggled for decades to satisfy the need to express their uninhibited trashy natures. At last, true equality.

After a lewd weekend romp, I can go home and take care of my womanly chores, which won’t be too bad because I will have an air filter that removes all dirt, dust and toxins from the air. What that doesn’t get, I will take care of with my tornado vacuum that sucks up anything the air filter misses. While I’m doing my minimal housework, my seven-course dinner is cooking on its own in my space age rotisserie.

I can purchase God through the crying preacher. My spiritual thirst will be quenched with his special bible and prayer cards that give me a direct line to the enlightenment of my soul.
To round out my persona, I can take care of my intellectual side with a degree in auto repair.